You: Reinvented #11
Last week I wrote about how, if you’re anything like me, you need to be a little bit nicer to yourself – well, maybe a whole lot nicer. Here’s that post: Stop Beating Yourself Up.
Today, I’d like to build on that, and ask you to not only stop belittling yourself, but to give yourself some kudos when they’re due as well. The two are directly related. Here are three examples of what I mean. Tell me if you can relate.
1. When given a compliment, reply with a simple “Thank you.” – and shut up! No more words. “That was a good presentation, Susie!” “Thank you.” Enjoy the moment. Don’t demur, or say “Oh, it was nothing.” Take the props you are given. You’ve earned them.
2. As I’ve shared in a few of my earliest “You: Reinvented” weekend posts, Jane and I have gotten incredibly frugal. As a rule, frugality is a liberating experience, because it means that we’re not burning through money as we make it – that can end up being a stressful way to go through life, and it certainly was for us. One might argue, however, that we’ve taken this too far, and our self-denial has become pathological. I chuckle as I say this, but if you could see how cheap we are these days… oh, boy! It’s at least eccentric, if nothing else.
Well, we’re rethinking that, at least a tad. “Frugal is good, cheap is bad.” The nuances of this mindset are, for us, a work in progress.
So here’s the thing. Some good fortune came our way, and we earned more money that we had expected this fall. My typical behavior was to blow it off, to not acknowledge that years of writing have started to pay off. But that’s dysfunctional. It’s self-abrogating. So we rewarded ourselves. Jane bought the least-expensive iPad. I bought a Kindle (the $79 one – I’m still frugal!) and two books. It’s the coolest thing I’ve bought since my iPhone 2 years ago. I love it to death!
And you know what? I love it a lot more because I earned it. In buying it, I was able to say to myself, quite undeniably, “Good job Ted. You deserve this!”
3. Another example, this one costing me nothing at all? I’ve been joyfully “working” on building and maintaining my Twitter friendships for two and a half years now. Nearly every single day, I’m checking in at different times, and most mornings with my coffee I also do some “administrative” work. That last part’s a bit of a chore, but what the heck?
Several times now, I’ve crossed various thresholds that other people have congratulated me for, and each time I waved them off. “Oh, it’s nothing,” that kind of thing. I beat myself up; I made nothing of something I had every right to be proud of. …Until this last one. Friday, I hit the 100,000 follower mark. To recognize to myself that a whole lot of hard (but mostly very pleasurable) and incredibly consistent work has paid off, I posted on the topic on one of my favorite websites: The 12 Most Important Aspects of having 100,000 followers. That was how I acknowledged my achievement. And you know what? I’m allowing myself to enjoy it.
So about you. I share these three examples to inspire similar self-acknowledgement in you. It’s a two-step process.
- Step 1, stop calling your accomplishments “little.” They’re not.
- Step 2, give yourself a pat on the back. You’ve earned it.
Then move on with your life, quickly. Laurels wilt fast. There’s no advantage in resting on them for more than a minute.
*****
Of course, if you’re already blatantly in love with yourself and self-obsessed with your own magnificence, never mind all of this. You’re not as special as you think, you tool. Even your mother says so when you’re not around. …But this post isn’t for egomaniacs. It’s for those of us with an unhealthy dose of self-loathing in our makeup. I hope this post helps those people to at least start rewarding themselves a little bit, even if all that entails is a simple “thank you” when the time is right.
Nice post and advice I will personally try to start applying in my own life. Many of us are “guilty” of the same thing… its OK to just say “thank you,” and appreciate what others have noticed. Thanks for sharing!
Ted .. you are right on with this post! Too many of us merely fade away when complimented! I think there is balance involved here. Not being overly humble or dismissive and not being a tool! We need to celebrate our victories! We’ve earned it! I’m having a great year! THERE, I SAID IT!
I’M HAVING A GREAT YEAR! There .. I said it!
Ted, I like how you followed up on the last one. I agree that they go hand in hand.
We all need to celebrate the successes in our lives and that requires us to acknowledge that we had success. Sometimes it means a little treat.
Congratulations on the 100k twitter followers and the successful fall. I’m working hard to someday get to that level.
Thanks for the post.
Aaron
Ted, aloha. Congratulations on your 100K twitter followers and success from your consistent efforts.
Here’s another view point on what happens when you say “oh it was nothing.” This is an excerpt from a post I wrote a while ago.
“How many times have you thanked someone only to have them say “oh, that’s okay; it was nothing.” Gee, how does that make you feel? Embarrassed? Wishing you hadn’t said anything?
Folks, when you say “oh, that’s okay; it was nothing” you are making less of both yourself and the person who is thanking you. Instead of having that awkwardness set in that invariably follows that response, why not give a response that will make both of you feel better?
What if instead you said,
“You’re so welcome; I’m glad I could do it for you/help you with that.”
Both of you will feel good from that exchange.
Or, what if instead you acknowledged the thank you while creating a reciprocal bond?
“You’re so welcome; I know you’d do the same for me.”
Or, “happy do it because I know you’d do the same for me if our positions were reversed.”
Again, both parties feel good.”
By the way, I was delighted to read the way you and your wife rewarded yourselves. What a pleasure it must be when you use your Kindle and think of why you have it.
Best wishes for a terrific week ahead, Ted. Until next time, aloha. Janet
Well, if it will help any Ted, I’ll call you names? lol…
Thank you for a timely post. And also thank you for the “you tool” addendum. Made me smile.
Thanks for this one Ted. So many gems! As I am originally from Scotland, the frugal, not cheap idea works for me.
Here’s my contribution. Self-affirmation is an important aspect of how we behave as good citizens and good business people. When we brush off compliments, we miss the opportunity to raise our conscious competence. It took me a long time to notice the value of affirmation, but I have since often asked people, ‘How do you see this being useful to you?’, (i.e., the work we have just done), followed by ‘What did you see me doing that was most useful to you?’.
Some might think this is mildly narcissistic, it’s not. It’s customer feedback. Hence, I also ask, ‘What to do you see me doing more of, or differently next time?’
I think the last question is critical because it saves you from being accused of adulation-seeking behaviour, it demonstrates the balance of competence and humility that the people respect. It also, helps the person you are working with think more about the value of your mutual interaction.
It sets you up to say to them, ‘What I appreciate about the work/interaction with you is…’
Finally, this is not buttercups and butterfly happy talk. It’s a concrete way of increasing our value to others, for which they reward us. It’s a commercial proposition.
Ted,
You’ve hit the mark here, as usual. You’re welcome
I’ve been reading the Beck Diet Solution about applying cognitive behavioral therapy to weight loss. The second thing stressed in the book is to give yourself credit when you do well. Our self talk tends to be so negative that we harm ourselves. We talk ourselves out of being consistent in our efforts because we’re convinced that we’re not doing well (even when this isn’t the case).
As a result, I’ve set up the Streaks app on my phone to give myself credit for giving myself credit. It’s nice to recognize yourself for doing things well, and it’s a lot less self-defeating than the alternative.
Thanks for another great post!